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Posted: Saturday, 1 November 2014 @ 16:27

A collection of Viz style Top Tips - found on a variety of sources, including Sickopedia.com...If you have any more you think are worthy, contact us.

  • DO NOT waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
  • WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
  • MURDERERS need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
  • BURGLARS when fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.
  • MEN when listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire, then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
  • BLIND PEOPLE give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
  • RAPPERS avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
  • ALCOHOL makes a perfect substitute for happiness.
  • PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
  • CAR thieves do not be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
  • MOTORISTS avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
  • SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
  • BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.
  • ALCOHOLICS do not worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
  • SCI-FI FANS create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
  • DO NOT waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
  • THICKEN runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
  • DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check the light goes off when the door is closed.
  • BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERTS WIVES keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
  • OLD TELEPHONE DIRECTORIES make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you do not know.
  • MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
  • BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make perfect miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
  • SHOPPERS when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
  • MANCHESTER UNITED FANS save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.
  • WEIGHT WATCHERS Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
  • QUIT SMOKING by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
  • BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
  • HOUSEWIVES when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
  • MAKE BATH TIMES as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
  • RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
  • GIRLS too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
  • MINOR SKIN GRAFTS can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
  • SAVE MONEY on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. IE. Mr. KVL 741Y.
  • HIJACKERS avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
  • EMPTY CIGAR TUBES filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
  • OLYMPIC ATHLETES disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
  • KALE FANS save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the toilet.
  • AVOID ARGUMENTS with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
  • SMOKERS save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Posted: Friday, 3 October 2014 @ 13:08
This is pretty graphic and how she survived I really don't know. This video is of a young Brazilian woman called Alcileide Rodrigues dos Santos who was found by police sat on a bench with a big kitchen knife stuck in her forehead. The woman was concious and able to talk. She was apparently taken to the police station by police car (why the hell they didn't take her straight to hospital), but then taken to the hospital by ambulance. As the woman was alive and also to talk coherently she was able ...
Posted: Thursday, 25 September 2014 @ 12:50
Rather than simply asking her husband for a divorce, a Brazilian woman decided to put poison in her vagina and then get her husband to have oral sex with her - with an aim to killing him. Now I'd have thought that putting any poison in your body was potentially going to kill you too - but luckily this husband noticed an unusual smell coming from her vagina and took her to hospital. Tests by doctors showed that she had put an unspecified toxin into her vagina - enough to kill both herself and her...
Posted: Saturday, 20 September 2014 @ 15:44
This is a good one! I'm sure you've been in a McDonalds late at night after clubs or pubs close their doors and there are often lots of really drunk people around. Some people think that they are invincible and also in control of their co-ordination even after drinking lots of alcohol - but clearly not. This bloke decides to get aggressive and head butts another customer - security guard doesn't really do much and a bit of a scuffle and knock-out ensues.. I suppose you can't really blame the se...
Posted: Saturday, 20 September 2014 @ 15:21
A 38 year old scottish woman recently went to hospital complaining of shaking, severe weight loss and mile incontinence for a "few weeks". After examining her further, the doctors discovered a strange foreign object sticking into her bladder from her vagina. It appears that 10 years ago - yes you read it right - under the influence of too many drinks she'd used a 5 inch long sex toy/vibrator. As she was drunk, she couldn't remember taking it out afterwards - but obviously hadn't. Due to a rare m...
Posted: Thursday, 4 September 2014 @ 11:31
Here is an example of a pretty much perfect crime.  Within 50 seconds the thief is away and no-one noticed. Watch it all to the end though! Seen anything better? Get in touch....
Posted: Monday, 25 August 2014 @ 12:51
Those of you living in warmer climates are lucky in that you get sun/heat pretty much inline with the seasons.  For those of you living in the UK (which is England, Scotland, Northern Ireland or Wales for those of you who missed geography lessons in school), you'll know that it really is hit and miss what the weather is like. As a child, a remember summer holidays being hot, being sunny and you could be out in shorts and a t-shirt every day.  These days it is completely different and a...
Posted: Saturday, 9 August 2014 @ 17:08
There aren't many times that I've come across things on the internet that I've never seen before.  Most things are a slight variation of something you can easily find in thousands of other websites but we have just come across this: It is defined a vee string - or effectively a strap-on vagina (or labia if you wanted to be anatomically correct). My first thought was "bloody hell - never seen something like that before" - and then quickly to "who in hell would buy one of those".. For thos...
Posted: Friday, 1 August 2014 @ 08:50
This little gaming console was the first and most popular of its kind (almost 119 million sold to date) when it came out on 31st July 1989 (although was sold in Japan earlier in the year).  It took batteries, but could also be recharged via a power supply if you used rechargeable batteries. The one I had came with Tetris - and the monochrome green screen had shapes falling, minimal buttons for control - but you could swap the cartridge for other games - like Pokémon and Super Ma...
Posted: Sunday, 27 July 2014 @ 14:28
Commonwealth Games are well underway - The Queen photobombs a selfie and England winning a few gold medals in the first few days. Australia head the medals table but no sign of the United States in the top 10! A few things we know this week but didn't last week.... Landmines planted on the coasts during the Falklands War accidentally created penguin sanctuaries. The penguins are too light to detonate the mines, so they live and breed safely. The sanctuaries are so popular and profitable that t...
Posted: Thursday, 24 July 2014 @ 19:50
As a teenager you may have dreamt of finding an older woman, or cougar, but a news story today shows a 9 year old African boy renewing his marriage vows with his 63 year old wife.  They have already been married for a year! The boy claimed a year ago that his dead relatives told him to get married - and he carried out their wishes with a pensioner.  Ironically, her first husband was at the ceremony too - he is 66 years old.  The boy's mother is only 47 and old enough to be his wif...
Many of the bigger ISPs in the UK (such as BT, Sky, VirginMedia, TalkTalk) offer child-friendly filters that can be installed to stop a variety of sites from being accessed by children - including pornography, self harm, politically sensitive sites, terrorism and drug taking. For new customers, they had to explicitly opt-out of the filter, but for existing customers they had to explicitly opt-in.  At present, only 1 in 7 households are using the filters with usage as low as 5% for some ISPs...
Posted: Tuesday, 22 July 2014 @ 13:04
WTF!!?? I really hate snakes - not sure why and not had any bad experiences with them, but jeez they really are creepy animals. I came across this video, a bit old, but this sleeping baby (probably less than 12 months old) is sleeping on a bed and there are four cobras on the same bed rearing up and look to be protecting him. The baby also rolls around a bit and knocks into one of them.. This is so so stupid on so many levels - even though I guess the poison must have been removed from th...
Posted: Monday, 21 July 2014 @ 08:15
Ever been a victim of Rickrolling?  It is basically when you send someone a message with a bait link - to try and get them to click on it.  However the link is through to singer Rick Astley's music video from his 1987 song "never gonna give you up". Up to know the original video has racked up over 71 million views - but the original has now been blocked by YouTube without explanation in several countries across the world including USA. We have found popular version which hasn't yet bee...
Posted: Sunday, 20 July 2014 @ 14:55
It has been quite warm here over the last week (which is rare for the UK), and some incredible thunderstorms over the last few nights.  Skies lit up completely, very loud claps on thunder and then torrential rain.  This is of course nothing compared to many parts of the world, but quite novel when it doesn't happen often where you live! Things we don't do any more Ring the speaking clock Buy Radio Times or TV Times Make mix-tapes Have a phone-book to remember all your friends numbe...
Pope Francis has been quoted as saying "about 2%" of clergy (meaning deacons, priests, bishops etc) in the Catholic Church are paedophiles. Some might be surprised that the figure is this low - but he also said that the abuse of children was like "leprosy" - no shit! There are about 414,000 priests in total around the world making the 2% the Pope estimates as there being 8,000 paedophile priests. Last year Pope Francis strengthened the Vatican's laws against child abuse and earlier this month be...
Posted: Monday, 14 July 2014 @ 14:16
Something similar to this is doing the rounds on reddit - but I first heard this years ago. An old man, in his 90s was having his bi-annual checkup at the doctors. When asked how fit and well he was feeling he said: "I have never been better! I've got an twenty year old wife who is pregnant and having my child. What do you think about that for a person of my age!?" The doctor though about this briefly and said "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter and he never missed an o...
Posted: Saturday, 12 July 2014 @ 09:21
We came across this today.  It is really good the way the two female players help each other up (none of this biting lark that you see footballers doing).  Check out the not so subtle fondling around the 17 second mark.  
Posted: Friday, 11 July 2014 @ 23:06
Bloody ages ago in the early 2000's, Blogwars.com hit the internet with content that shocked most of us - and when I say us, I mean anyone who stumbled across the site.  I was one of those and do recall visiting the site to see what new stuff had been posted. Stile, the site's owner at the time, presented us with regular intriguing, shocking, thought provoking posts covering everything from Goatse man, "Borat anthem played in Kazhak sporting victory", "Mom gets a kid a stripper for his birt...

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